Chapter Text
Augusta had never felt thirstier. No matter how many times she swallowed her mouth and throat felt like a dried up sponge. Her teeth felt huge, too. She opened her eyes a little bit but the room was so bright that it hurt her eyes. Too tired to squint she kept her eyes closed. Someone touched her cheek, someone else was holding her hand. Suddenly someone got so close to her face that she felt their breath on their skin. She told them to go away but they pulled her eyelid up and shone a light in it, one first then the other. Augusta pulled her head back and turned away. Immediately she was held in place which only upset her further. Something was clearly wrong. Her arms were weak and it took a lot of effort to lift them up and try to evade the disembodied hands. Augusta struggled for a while until her strength left her and she passed out.
When Augusta came to again she felt hands all over her once more. She cried and pleaded for them to let her go which they surprisingly did. She swallowed again and asked for a glass of water. She felt vibrations at her back which was slowly being brought to an upright position. A hard plastic straw poked her in the lips and caught some skin between the straw and her teeth before she could catch it properly. After two sips the cup was already empty so she asked for more. Someone carefully placed her hands on a table of sorts and guided them to the cup. She asked about the straw but no one answered. Eventually Augusta opened her eyes to see what was going on. The room was very bright and it took her a while to get used to it. She saw the cup in front of her, it was a little fuzzy but it was there. Augusta blinked a couple of times until her vision cleared up a bit. She saw her parents sitting on either side of her bed, except it wasn’t the bed at her father’s flat nor the one back home in her mother’s house. Confused she looked around until her mother took her hand and squeezed it. Augusta looked at her. She had been crying. Augusta asked what the matter was. Her mother’s lips were moving, surely she was saying something. Augusta felt a slight panic coming on. She looked at her father who was also clearly speaking and yet Augusta couldn’t tell what he was saying. Her parents spoke with each other, presumably about her. It dawned on Augusta that this was the first time she actually saw her parents in the same room. It was at that moment that Augusta realised that something was really, really wrong.
*
Augusta’s grandparents, aunts and uncles were all sitting around the conference room table listening to the doctor’s report. Of course everyone was happy and relieved that Augusta had gotten over the infection but the news still struck them. Even Ionius who never hesitated to offer his opinions sat there quietly. It was Matthias who spoke up first.
“So her hearing is gone?”
“She’ll have to have a proper hearing test once she’s feeling better, but at this moment it seems that she has lost most if not all of her hearing. It’s a common complication of meningitis.”
“And her hearing won’t come back? Never?”
“I’m afraid so. The infection damaged the ear anatomy that is responsible for sending information to the brain, so to speak. It’s as if the cable between the microphone and the speakers has been cut. Her brain receives no information and thus she can’t hear.”
Ionius had recomposed himself. “Isn’t that the same issue as deafness from old age? Can’t she use hearing aids then?”
The doctor was careful in choosing her answer so as to not crush them or give them false hope. “It will depend on the degree her hearing loss. It is possible that if she has any remaining hearing she might benefit from hearing aids, but if it is complete hearing loss there is nothing that can be done. But deafness is not the end of the world. Unlike children who were born deaf Augusta has fully developed speech so she can still make herself understood. The biggest challenge she will face, apart from processing everything, of course, will be making sense of what is happening around her. She is still young, she might pick up sign language somewhat quickly. Or she might focus on lipreading if that is more convenient to her. It’s important you all support her in whatever it is she’ll choose.”
When there were no other questions the doctor left. Ionius got up from his chair.
“I believe I speak for us all when I say it does not matter whether Augusta is blind, deaf or paralysed. She survived, that is all that counts. It will be an adjustment but it’s one we can manage. Now if you’ll excuse me, I want to deliver the news to the rest of my family back home.”
“At last we agree on something,” Matthias said. The two men nodded at each other before Ionius left and the group broke up. Sylvain’s mother saw Patricia sitting all by herself at the end of the long table. Lambert and Dimitri were both at work and she was not close enough with Ionius’s other children to freely tag along with them. She felt sorry for her and invited her to have some tea with them, ignoring Matthias’s foot tapping on her toes. Patricia smiled and gladly accepted the invitation. Since the doctors wanted Augusta to fully wake up and come to terms with her new reality in privacy only her parents were allowed to be with her so everyone else had nothing to do but wait. The three of them went to a small café outside of the hospital and sat down. Over tea they tried to make small talk about anything else but Augusta since there was nothing to say other than they were happy and relieved she had made it. They spoke of this and that, the weather, the news and even some politics before they ran out of topics. Not the type who enjoyed silence Patricia changed the topic once again.
“I know we never spoke about the day before the wedding, and why would we, nothing productive could have come of it, but I never had the chance to tell you how much I appreciated your kindness toward Edelgard afterwards. It would have been easier to be cross with her and to let her know about it. Ionius once showed me the cards your wrote to her.”
“So they did arrive,” Matthias said. “We never received any response.”
“I’m afraid Edelgard was in no condition to reply to anyone. Are you aware of her depressive episodes?”
“Sylvain told us she was unwell right after she gave birth,” the general’s wife said.
“Yes, that’s when it first started. For months leading up to Augusta’s arrival and for months after she was terribly depressed. I’m sure if she had had the strength to read your cards she would have wanted to write back. But Ionius and the doctors that looked after Edelgard advised against any potential emotional disturbances during her recovery. And it seemed to work because once fall came around she started her studies at university.”
“We heard that she had had more such episodes since,” Matthias said. Whenever his wife went to Fhirdiad for various social engagement she brought back gossip, and occasionally they saved some gossip especially for her.
“Yes, unfortunately she had some setbacks. The last big one was only two years ago and it came out of nowhere. It can’t have been easy on Augusta, to see her mother in such a state. But Ionius and his wife were there to take care of both of them. I know he can be very difficult to deal with for some people, but he truly and genuinely cares for Edelgard and Augusta. I had feared that this summer apart from her daughter would cause another depressive episode for El but it did both of them well, and you played a big part in that. Until Augusta got sick, that is. El told me on the phone how much Augusta enjoyed staying with you.”
Matthias shifted in his seat and turned the tea cup on its saucer, muttering something the others didn’t understand. His wife jumped in.
“She’s a wonderful young woman. We are very much looking forward to spending more time with her in the future, whatever that might look like for her. Who knows, maybe we should all learn sign language with her. That could encourage her.”
“Yes, that’s a nice idea. You know ever since I heard that she’s deaf now I have been trying to remember if I know any deaf people, or know of any deaf people in general but I couldn’t come up with a single one. What about you?”
Matthias chimed in and said he knew a few people from the military who had lost their hearing but when Patricia asked what they did now he didn’t know either. By the time their conversation came to a close they were all very worried about the future ahead of Augusta.
*
Edelgard entered Augusta’s room armed with a whiteboard, an eraser and pens in different colours. Augusta watched her mother write something on the whiteboard which she then turned around.
The doctors say you will take some steps this afternoon.
“Whatever,” Augusta said and picked at some sticky residue from a bandage on her hand.
Her mother poked her thigh to get her attention.
“I said ‘whatever’! Are you deaf or something?” Augusta snapped and turned her head away. She could see her mother wave and move until she got up and walked around the bed to the other side. Augusta rolled her eyes and turned her head again. Her mother pulled on her hand and looked at her with the sad and disappointed expression Augusta knew so well.
“I am too exhausted to walk. My back is sore, my legs feel numb and I have the driest mouth and throat known to man. I am going to stay in bed today and tomorrow and probably every day for the rest of my life because what else am I going to do.”
Don’t say that. Your father and I have been going through lots of brochures and pamphlets. There are many things you can do. But first you have to get better again. You have to get up and walk. Please, Augusta. You have to do it.
“Make me,” Augusta hissed and slowly turned on her side.
*
Sylvain entered Augusta’s room and waved at her. Augusta raised her hand a little and went back to staring at the TV mounted on the wall. Sylvain followed her line of sight and stood in the middle of it, blocking her view. With his hands he gestured her to move to the edge of the bed and waited patiently when Augusta employed her new favourite technique to ignore people. She lay there with her eyes closed. Unlike Edelgard Sylvain was not a fan of the whiteboard. While it worked to convey basic information to Augusta it made for poor conversation in his opinion. Whatever novels Edelgard wrote on the whiteboard were mostly for herself. When he had enough of Augusta’s resistance he put his hand on her shoulder and firmly shook her continuously until Augusta snapped at him to leave her alone. They made eye contact and Sylvain made a very primitive gesture with his first and middle finger to signify walking.
“I can’t walk, I am very tired. Maybe tomorrow when I feel better. Hey!”
Sylvain took her hands and pulled her to the edge of the bed. He ignored her complaints and kept pulling until her feet touched the floor. Feeling the floor under her feet was a strangely unfamiliar sensation for Augusta. Seeing she was wearing the ugliest grippy socks she had ever seen didn’t help to make the experience any better. In that moment the physical therapist from earlier came into the room. He said something Augusta assumed was directed at her father. For a moment she tried to lie down again but her father held her back. She ignored the physical therapist who tried to get her attention and when he touched her shoulder and upper back she lashed out at him, or rather she tried and gave him a soft slap. Her father authoritatively held up his finger looking right at her.
“He can’t just touch me without asking!” she defended herself and turned away from the PT. Sylvain again took her hands and this time he pulled her off the bed until she had to make a step. Her father said something and smiled at her.
*
Dimitri felt slightly out of place at the bar he was in. He smiled politely at the other patrons who eyed him up and down before returning to their own conversations. He was relieved when Ingrid returned with two beers. Immediately the stares changed from suspicious to mildly curious.
“Sorry, it’s crowded today,” Ingrid said and sat down.
“No, I’m sorry I called you so suddenly, but I had a free evening and I thought of you. It’s a nice bar, I’ve never heard of it. Do you come here often?”
Ingrid laughed into her beer and took a sip. She didn’t plan on taking Dimitri to a lesbian bar but he hadn’t given her much notice.
“I do, it’s a good bar to just hang out and relax.”
“So there’s other bars where you go for business, so to speak?”
“Something like that. So, have you heard the good news? Augusta’s awake and apart from the deafness and some neurological issues she is doing well.”
“Yes, my mother told me. Everyone is really relieved, and so am I. Augusta’s great, and I’m very happy for Edelgard and Sylvain. It would have been too bad if they didn’t get a chance to be a family, in whatever form they choose. My mother says they’re both staying at his flat, is that true?”
Ingrid leaned over the table. “Careful, Dimitri. I would just stay out of all that if I were you. Hell, I am me and I have chosen to stay out of their business this time. Besides, they are both definitely mature enough to make their own decisions now.”
She could see that Dimitri did not agree with her but it seemed he had learned keep his opinions to himself.
“Have you seen Augusta yet?” he asked.
“No, at this time it’s family only. Apparently a whiteboard is their only means of communication right now and Augusta is not taking it very well. It must be difficult, waking up disoriented and missing a sense that has been there all her life. And she’s going through puberty too and that’s already hard enough. I wish there was something I could for her. She doesn’t even really like me though.”
“Ah, I’m sure she likes you more than me. She made me feel very unwelcome in my parents’ house when she stayed there.”
For some reason Ingrid could see the scene play out in her mind. Dimitri just existing in his parents’ house and Augusta intimidating him with mere looks and razor sharp comments. It made her laugh.
“I know what you mean. Augusta can be really mean and rude. But she’s got fire in her, I like that. It’s a shame she doesn’t like horses. With her strong will she would make a good rider.”
“She’d manage to bully a horse to stay in its box all day, I’m sure,” Dimitri said, still a little hurt. Ingrid amusedly drank her beer until she saw something that made her choke on it. Dimitri asked what the matter was and when Ingrid ducked down he turned around to look. “Isn’t that Dorothea? What is she doing here?” Ingrid hissed at him to stop looking but it was too late. Dorothea spotted him and waved at him. Ingrid dabbed at her neck with a bunch of thin paper napkins to clean herself up. By the time Dorothea arrived at their table she had run out of napkins.
“Dimitri, this is the last place on earth I would have looked for you,” Dorothea said and smiled at him.
“Ingrid suggested it. I have never been here before. But it’s nice, I think. What brought you here?”
“Ah, I thought I’d see what Fhirdiad’s lesbian scene has to offer. Edelgard’s siblings are very nice but I think they got sick of me tagging along with them so often.”
“Lesbian? You mean this is… oh.” Suddenly things cleared up for Dimitri. Dorothea pulled up a chair to their table and flagged down a waitress who came over. She ordered a drink and asked for a rag to clean up the mess on the table. The waitress shortly returned to clean up the spill. Ingrid apologised a couple of times to which the waitress assured her that it was no trouble addressing Ingrid by her first name. Dorothea waited patiently until the waitress brought her drink, tons of new napkins and some bars snacks before she put her arms on the table.
“I remember we spent a few evenings like this. Look at us now, we achieved everything we wanted, haven’t we? Ingrid has her horses, Dimitri works for the military and I’m a successful opera singer. We should toast to that. That is if you can manage to keep your beer in your glass this time, Ingrid.”
Embarrassed Ingrid cleared her throat and raised her glass.
“To us,” Dorothea said and they clinked glasses. After she had her first sip Dorothea asked Dimitri a lot of questions. How was he, what was he up to, was there anything happening in his life? That was how she learned that he was engaged which Dorothea insisted they celebrated with some shots. Dimitri remembered that Dorothea could handle her liquor well even then and nothing had changed since. He noticed that Ingrid didn’t say much but chalked that up to their disagreement all those years ago. Ingrid had never told him any details but assured him many times that she was fine. Evidently that was not the case. Ingrid did perk up though when Dimitri asked Dorothea if she wanted to come to his wedding.
“Edelgard and Augusta are also invited, you could join them. My fiancée wants me to invite more women because right now our guests are mainly men and she would like to balance that out.”
“I’m flattered. Please send me an invitation, I will check my calendar and let you know as soon as possible. But it’s in summer so I am hopeful I can attend.”
“Sounds great. My fiancée has been thinking about the seating arrangements and the tables, she’ll be happy to add a woman to one of the singles’ tables. Would you two like to sit at the same table, by any chance?”
“I have no objections to that but Ingrid might. She is very particular about who she sits next to at events.”
“I am not complicated, I will sit wherever you put me,” Ingrid told Dimitri which made Dorothea laugh.
“Do you now. Even if it’s next to me where people can see you? Maybe you have changed.”
“It’s called growing up,” Ingrid said. “You should try it sometime. Maybe your dream of a big family will not come true and it’s time you accept that. I mean you are closer to forty than thirty. Your clock is ticking and yet here you are sitting in a lesbian bar drinking the evening away instead of looking for someone to make a life with and give you children.”
“Who are you to comment on my love life? All you have going for you is your stable and your smelly horses. You shovel horsesh*t for a living, you don’t get to have an opinion on my life.”
Dimitri knew that he was superfluous to the conversation so he kept drinking in silence, trying to digest all the information he was learning.
“I only shovel sh*t these days when I need to get out of my office for a while. It’s good work, it’s honest work and I am not ashamed of it. When I’m old and wrinkly I will sit on the bench outside my office and watch others enjoy what I worked for all my life. Meanwhile you will sit at home, all alone surrounded by pictures of yourself when you were young and beautiful, hoping that someone will remember you and invite you out of respect and politeness every once in a while to watch and applaud the singers who came after you. And if there is any justice in the world they will be much worse than you.”
Dorothea smiled with her mouth open and slowly ran her tongue over her teeth as if she was looking for something stuck between them. “You know, after Edie told me that despite her very complicated feelings towards Sylvain she couldn’t stop herself from sleeping with him right there on his sofa I thought maybe we might have a chance to reconnect too but you showed me that I didn’t know what I was thinking and now I’m glad I was wrong.”
“They did what?” Dimitri blurted out but Dorothea and Ingrid were too busy shouting at each other to take notice of him.
“What Edelgard and Sylvain do is their business. I have learned not to touch that again with a ten-foot pole. And as for you and I reconnecting? I’m not interested in putting up with an aging diva who prefers to let others do all the work in bed.”
“What is happening,” Dimitri said to himself.
“That is because you were a prude who barely let me touch you in the right places long enough to make a difference! And I didn’t hear you complain when you went down on me. In fact you could spend hours down there without coming up for air!”
“All right, ladies!” A waitress had appeared at their table. “You are making a spectacle of yourselves, and not in a good way. I think it’s time you make up, pay the bill and go home. And take your friend with you, he looks confused.” The waitress put the bill on their table and waited until the three of them put down enough cash to cover it. Outside Dorothea wrapped her arms around herself and looked around trying to orient herself.
“Where do you need to go?” Dimitri asked her.
“My hotel,” Dorothea answered unhelpfully.
“Do you know the name of it?” he asked next.
“I have a card in my bag. Don’t worry, I will hail a cab to get back.” With unsteady steps Dorothea approached the street and held out her hand. She didn’t have to wait long until a cab stopped.
“Good night Dimitri. I’m really happy for you. You’re getting married next year! Woo-hoo!” Dorothea waved and got in the car. Dimitri and Ingrid watched the cab drive away.
Since they both needed to go in the same direction they began walking in silence. At a street crossing they had to wait for their light to turn green. As the cars drove past Dimitri asked Ingrid a question.
“Why did you never tell me you were lesbian?”
Ingrid shrugged. “I thought everyone knew or at least suspected. I never had a boyfriend, Dimitri. I never complained about it either. That could have given you a hint.”
“But why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you set me straight back then?”
The light turned green but they didn’t go. Ingrid sighed. “Dimitri, I don’t think you would have believed me if I told you. You were very narrow-minded back then. And it’s not like I was out and proud. Dorothea’s very mean about it but she wasn’t wrong. I needed to fit in and belong more than I needed to be myself. My early twenties were riddled with shame and guilt but I’m done with that now.”
“I told Edelgard and Sylvain’s fathers that he and you were having an affair,” Dimitri then said. “I added oil to a fire that was already spreading beyond control. If I had known then…” He didn’t outwardly show it but Ingrid could tell that he was feeling guilty and ashamed. She tried to cheer him up.
“As you said, the catastrophe was already underway, you didn’t make it much worse. Well, not much worse than you already made it with your infamous letter of recommendation. I know that Sylvain’s made peace with the past. You should too. Apologising only makes you feel better and that’s not fair to him.”
Dimitri was uncomfortable with that. “So I will never be forgiven even though I regret what I did?”
Their light turned green again and Ingrid began walking. On the other side they would split up. “The way I see it you can only try to improve the future instead of fixing the past. You’ll think of something to do for him. Maybe you will never be friends again but you could be friendly.”
“Perhaps. You too should become friendly with Dorothea again. My fiancée has family who enjoy opera, they’ll be so excited if she comes to our wedding. It would be nice if everyone could just get along as best as they could.”
“Hear, hear. Good night, Dimitri.”
“Good night, Ingrid. Get home safely.”
“I will, thanks. Bye!”
On her way home Ingrid hoped that Dimitri would finally let go of the past just like she had. Admittedly, that evening was not a good example of how much she had grown but any other day Ingrid no longer made her happiness dependent on what happened in the past. And with a wedding and marriage on the horizon Dimitri would do well to look forward no matter who would be by his side or not.
*
Knowing that Augusta had gotten through the worst the Hresvelgs uncles and aunts decided to go back to Adrestia. Since Augusta had been moved to a regular patient room they all came together for an hour to see her and wish her well. After they left Augusta was exhausted. Although they had taken turns with the whiteboard all the reading and trying to read their lips when they were not talking to her made it difficult to string two thoughts together. She closed her eyes and tried to rest. She actually fell into a dreamless sleep, a welcome rest for her brain. When she woke up again she felt sunlight on her face. Where was her mother and why didn’t she pull down the blinds? Augusta had to squint because of the sun in her eyes but she saw quite clearly what was happening. Her parents were sitting at the small table in the corner of the room kissing. It wasn’t passionate like in a scene from a film. It was just two people kissing each other over their cups of tea which was surely cold by now. If they were sitting on a park bench no one would pay them any attention. All passersby would see were two attractive people who wanted to kiss each other because it made them happy. Augusta couldn’t recall her mother having looked that happy ever. Content, yes, most of the time. Thoroughly amused when something was really funny, of course. But genuinely happy? And her father too. She had seen pictures of him when he was younger at her grandparents’ house and she thought him very handsome, awkward as it was to say that of one’s own father. But it wasn’t until this moment that Augusta realised how good her parents fit together. In another life they could have been the attractive successful power couple everyone hated. Now they were reduced to kissing in secret thinking their unplanned deaf daughter was asleep. They deserved more, Augusta thought and closed her eyes again.
*
Ionius put the cap back on the pen and turned the whiteboard to Augusta. Unlike her mother her grandfather wrote only the most basic information. He had organised her medical care in Enbarr and as soon as the doctors were comfortable discharging her they would all go back home. She looked at her parents and the other grandparents who were also in the room. Augusta nodded at her grandfather who erased the whiteboard and wrote something else.
Life is different now but I will do everything to help you live it to the fullest.
Something about that comment caused the general to say something which in turn made everyone look weary. Soon the two grandfathers were arguing with Patricia trying to stop them. Augusta looked at her father who was looking at her mother who was just staring at her lap.
“Can I just say something?” Augusta then spoke up. “I don’t know what it is you are arguing about but I am going to assume it has to do with me in some way. I know Granddad wants to take me home and I understand why. I have lost my hearing but that is no reason for you not to ask me what I want. Up until I fell ill I really enjoyed myself in Faerghus. I finally got to meet my father and the other grandparents when I really should have known them all my life. So you can take me home but I want to come back. I have never seen snow and by all accounts this place gets lots of snow in winter. I would like to see that. And I want you all to be nicer to each other because you are giving off bad and mean vibrations which make me want to close my eyes and ignore all of you.”
Her family looked at each other. The general said something, folded his arms and let out a singular laugh. Ionius raised his eyebrows for a moment but didn’t say anything back. Throughout all this her mother’s head remained lowered. There must be something going on that Augusta missed.
“Mama?”
Edelgard looked up and put on a smile. Augusta focused on her lip movements and was pretty sure her mother had just said that it was going to be okay. Or she was going to be okay. Maybe okay was as good as it was going to get.
*
Dorothea rang the doorbell at Sylvain’s flat. She didn’t have to wait long for Edelgard to open the door for her.
“Thank you for coming.”
“Of course. Your father bought me a ticket back home in first class, it’s the least I can do.” Dorothea entered the flat and put her bag on the dresser near the door. Then she took a closer look at the apartment. She didn’t know Sylvain’s tastes all that well but she could see him decorate the flat himself.
“I got started a couple of times but my mind is not in it,” Edelgard said. Dorothea had stepped into the living room.
“So this is the infamous sofa. It looks comfortable enough. Not that I will ever know because I don’t think I’ll ever sit on it.”
“I can throw a blanket over it,” Edelgard suggested. That made Dorothea laugh.
“Edie, please, it’s okay. Let’s go and pack up Augusta’s things and while we’re doing that you can fill me in on your current relationship status.”
Edelgard nodded and showed her the way. The bed was covered in clothes and other things Augusta had accumulated during her stay here. Edelgard pushed everything side so she could put a suitcase down. Dorothea was admiring a designer dress that still had the tags on and congratulated Patricia’s taste.
“If Augusta doesn’t want it she can give it to me,” Dorothea said and folded the dress. “How is she, by the way?”
Edelgard sighed and shrugged. “Mostly tired. It was such a fight to get her up and walking. I pleaded with her and explained why it was important but she refused. In the end Sylvain took her hands and pulled her out of bed.”
“He’s taller and stronger, it was easier for him to do,” Dorothea said and folded another dress.
Edelgard sat down on the bed folding socks. “I know I’m not the best mother and I never was, but now she has her father’s parenting skills to compare mine to. I don’t understand why he is so good at it. And why do I fail at this so badly?”
“Edie, don’t do that. You’re a good mother. You care and you are involved. Remember, they only write about good mothers in the newspapers when they’ve done something heroic, like pulling their children out of a burning car. Bad mothers, however, they are in the papers every day it seems. You’re not in the papers ergo you are a good mother. Sylvain is like a shiny new toy for Augusta, except he’s not a toy but her father. What I mean is that Sylvain wanted Augusta to like him but because she is not a baby that can barely tell the people holding and feeding it apart he had to be on his best behaviour. In a way that’s not real, do you understand what I’m saying?”
Edelgard threw the socks in the suitcase and dropped her shoulders. Dorothea cleared a spot for herself and sat down as well. Edelgard sniffled and pressed the side of her hand under her eye.
“We made plans, you know. Augusta and I would move to Fhirdiad, we would buy a house, get a dog and be a family together. And I really wanted it but then I found out that he was planning to sue me for custody and we had a terrible fight and he said such ugly things to me. And then he said that he cared more about Augusta than me. When we are together and it’s just the two of us everything is great, everything is perfect. I would marry that man on the spot and I would have all of his children and we would be so happy but somehow we always manage to ruin everything. I just don’t understand why we can’t work outside of our little bubble.”
Dorothea pushed the suitcase away and moved closer so she could hug her crying friend. After Edelgard had collected herself again she dried her tears on one of Augusta’s T-shirts.
“I hate myself for being like this. I feel like a cat in heat screaming and crying in the middle of the night hoping that Sylvain will come and put me out of my misery. If he is not there I feel like I can’t take a deep breath. It feels like I can’t breathe, I can’t think, I can’t function if I don’t have him near me or inside me. I’m a sad and depraved unsatiable woman.”
“Okay,” Dorothea said and held Edelgard’s hands. Sometimes listening to Edelgard meant having to hear her innermost private thoughts which Dorothea would never forget. This seemed like the right moment to change the subject.
“So I had drinks with Ingrid and Dimitri last night. We were in a lesbian bar and we were kicked out because we were fighting too loud, I guess. Did you know Dimitri is getting married next year?”
Edelgard was grateful to think about something else for a moment. She had heard about Dimitri’s wedding plans but she was mostly indifferent to them which she told Dorothea.
“Allegedly his fiancée’s family are admirers of mine. And apparently they have too many male guests. Who knows, maybe I will meet my future husband at that wedding. Wouldn’t that be great? Are you coming?”
Edelgard went back to folding clothes. “I’m not sure. My mother will want me to but then again it’s Dimitri. He is the reason why Sylvain got stuck taking care of horses for years instead of following in his father’s footsteps and having a career in the military. That was at least another splinter on the camel’s back if not the whole straw. But you should go, maybe your soulmate will be there sitting at a table, waiting for you.”
“Ingrid is going to be there. You don’t think she could be the puzzle piece that makes me whole, do you?”
Edelgard looked up at her. “Do you feel you can’t breathe when she’s not around? Does everyone else pale in comparison to her?”
“I don’t know. In my experience it’s not my partners themselves that were the problem. It’s that I wasn’t sure that they wanted me for me or simply for my talent, my fame or my beauty. Ingrid knows me in a way few do. But I don’t want to have to hide any aspect of my relationship, least of all my partner. So I hope it’s not Ingrid because I don’t want to censor myself and to be quite honest I wouldn’t want Ingrid to change if it was just for my sake either. Evidently she goes to lesbian bars now, she must be more at peace with herself. Maybe that is enough for her. It just isn’t enough for me.”
For a while the two of them just sat there thinking about their problems, holding hands to let the other know that she was not alone. Eventually Edelgard pulled her hand back.
“We have to finish packing, I want to be done when Sylvain comes back.”
“Why, because you don’t trust yourself around him even with me here? That’s bold of you.”
“That, and if my father succeeds in bullying the doctors into discharging Augusta tomorrow he’ll want us to get on the first plane. Come on, let’s get this done.”
*
